#and tonight i'm actively choosing to accept myself for who i am and enjoy the euphoria while it lasts đŸ©·
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v-tired-queer · 6 months ago
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Middle of the night internal conversation with myself about my gender ~again~
Brain: So we have established that you are, in fact, demiflux
Me: Yes
Brain: And we are absolutely confident in that fact
Me: As far as I'm aware, yes--
Brain: I have some news
Me: . . . ?
Brain: Pretty sure your base gender is actually male, but you learned about your demiflux identity on a very feminine day
Me: . . . I need evidence
Brain: No matter how you feel gender wise at any given moment, you literally go into a deep depression at not having been born male
Me: True . . .
Brain: When you think of wearing skirts and dresses, the only way you're fully comfortable with it is if you present as mostly androgynous with a male lean
Me: Yeah, you got me there
Brain: The feminine feelings that you experience come and go in waves that vary in intensity and that's usually the trigger for these late night moments
Me: Yeah okay also true . . . but I worry about using too many labels. And I worry about being wrong. Like, why does this have to be so complicated?
Brain: There's not a right or wrong way to be yourself. You get worried about using "too many" labels to define yourself, but people are complex, and it's okay for the lables that you feel best describe you to reflect that. You can use as many or as few as you need to. You can use none, one, five or ten--as long as at the end of the day you feel comfortable and represented, then it's okay
Me: Yeah . . . I'm transmasc and demiflux, with my base gender being male--I experience feminine genders in varying degrees of intensity, but at the base of who I am, I'm always a boy.
Brain: And?
Me: And that's okay đŸ©·
Brain: And that's okay đŸ©·
Me: . . . we're not gonna spontaneously review my sexual and romantic orientations tonight too, are we?
Brain: Dear God no, ain't nobody got time for that. Go to bed
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falcqns · 4 years ago
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I know that I'm boring and that you'll probably block me if I request something again, but you're the only one who always writes request, so thanks in advance. â€đŸ’• Well, I thought of this, Henry as my husband entered the bedroom where I'm in bed with Kal sleeping barely covered by a blanket in panties only because I started to sleep like this like Henry. It can be always smutty smut like you perfectly write it. ❀
Big Brat
Pairing: Henry Cavill x Reader
Warnings: Smut! Fluff, bratty Henry (like big brat), use of sign language, slight angst at the end 
A/N: I would never block you love! I absolutely love getting requests! I’m sorry this took so long to get to, I just started my second semester of college, and I have way more classes, plus a baby and some other drama which I’ll probs rant about later lmao. I hope you enjoy!
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Henry had been downstairs in his office, playing Cyberpunk for hours. Due to an injury on set, he couldn't film, so he was stuck at home. You had hung out with him for a few hours while he played, but eventually made your way upstairs when you became too tired.
“Text me when you’re done so I can help you up the stairs, kay?” You had asked. He agreed with a smile. His injury wasn’t too bad, but he still had trouble going up and down the stairs, and his pain got worse at night, so you made it your full time job to help him. 
However, you should have known he wouldn’t listen. While he was grateful for your help, when he glanced at the clock and saw that it read 2:13 am, he knew he wouldn't wake you. He wasn’t THAT injured. 
He saved the game, and turned off the computer before slowly limping his way out of his office. He glanced around the downstairs of his home, and didn't see Kal, so he knew that the big bear was upstairs with you. He took a deep breath before making the journey up the stairs. 
He walked into the room, and his breath caught in his throat. You were nestled under the covers, with Kal snoring beside you. You had pulled the majority of the blanket to your chest, and had your right arm and right leg thrown over top of it, cuddling it. His eyes made the journey from your face, down your body, and stopping when he noticed you weren't wearing any pants, only blue panties.
He let out a low groan, and quickly stripped out of his clothes, before sitting down on the bed in his boxers.
He pet Kal in between the ears, gently coaxing the Akita awake.
The bear let out a low growl before turning to look at his dad in annoyance, sending a chuckle through Henry’s chest. 
“Sorry, buddy, daddy’s gotta go to bed so you have to move,” He whispered, and watched in amusement as the dog grunted in annoyance, but complied, jumping off the bed and making his way to his own.
Kal jostled the bed as he jumped off, which woke you up. 
“Henry? Why didn't you text me?” You asked, and watched as he slowly laid his body down, gripping his injured leg and easing it up and onto the bed.
“You were asleep, I didn’t want to disturb you,” He reasoned, as his head hit the pillow.
You sighed in annoyance, propping your arm up on your elbow, your head in your hand.
“You could have hurt yourself more,” 
Henry scoffed, and ran his fingers through your hair. “But I didn't,” He whispered, and pressed a sweet kiss to your lips. You smiled into the kiss, your annoyance melting away the second his skin touched yours. “God, you look beautiful.” He mumbled into the kiss, his left hand running up your legs and coming to rest on top your panty covered hip.
You giggled whilst pulling away. 
“Hen, your doctor said no strenuous activity for a least two weeks while your leg heals,” You reminded him, a knowing smile on your face. His head fell back once more, before sighing. “You don’t want to have to tell Lauren that you can't film for even longer because you had sex with your wife and hurt your leg even more, do you?” 
He gave you a side eye look. “No.” You chuckled as he covered his bare chest with his arms, crossing them. “it’s not fair,” He complained.
You rolled your eyes, and laid down. “Sometimes life isn't, my dear.” All you got was a grunt in response.
You rolled over, laughing at your husbands childish antics. You threw the comforter over your body, and tossed some to him, choosing to ignore the way he pushed it off moments later, obviously deciding to be a brat about the whole situation. 
“I love you,” You said in a singsong voice.
“No, you don't.” He grunted, a sniffle following moments later. You flipped over and almost laughed in annoyance at what you saw. He had his arms crossed over his chest still, his eyebrows were furrowed in annoyance, and tears were streaming down his cheeks.
“Are you seriously crying because I won't fuck you?” 
He snapped his head to glare at you. “Yes,”
“Why?” You asked, exasperated at his attitude.
“Because, I walked in and saw my beautiful wife wearing the blue panties I bought for her while filming Mission, and she won't even let me sleep with her because I’ll ‘hurt myself’,” He said, putting the last two words in air quotes.
“First of all, you're being a brat, second of all, you will hurt yourself.”
He scoffed again before answering. “No, I won't!”    
You breathed out through your nose before continuing. “Hen, that’s exactly what you said about the stupid stunt! And guess what, you hurt yourself, which is why we’re in this stupid situation.”
He sighed, before rolling over, you following and rolling to the other side.
You felt him roll back a few minutes later and had to mentally prepare yourself for the sheer stupidity that was sure to spill from his mouth.
“You could ride me.”
You eyes flew open, and your body flipped to face him again. 
“What?”
“You heard me.” “Obviously I heard you, you dingus, but no, I am not doing that.” “Please?” He begged.
You laid down again, and closed your eyes. “I’ve said no. You haven't listened to a word I’ve said, argued about every little thing, and are refusing to stop being a brat and just go to sleep! Its almost 3 am,”
He sighed again, and you felt your patience running out. “But, baby-” He began to say before you lost it.
You sat up and threw the blankets off of you before tugging off the panties and tossing them on the floor. You pushed Henry on his back and climbed on him.
“Shut up.” You demanded, and he opened his mouth to speak, but you cut him off, your hand slapping to his mouth. “I said shut up. You’ve pissed me off, so I’m going to ride you until I cum, and then I’m going to bed. I don't give two shits wether or not you finish. Now. Shut. Up.”
His eyes widened, and his hands ran up your legs, before you slapped one of them.
“You don't get to talk, you don’t get to touch. You’re in trouble, this is your punishment.” He sighed in annoyance, but accepted his fate.
You fished him out of his underwear and to your surprise, he was rock hard. You pumped him a few times, and glared up at him when he let out a moan.
“I said no talking!”
He opened his mouth to speak, but decided not to, instead communicating through sign language.
‘Thats not talking.’ He signed. You mentally cursed yourself for helping him learn sign language when he saw you communicating with a child at work who was deaf.
“No sounds.” You growled. He rolled his eyes and brought his straight hand up from his neck to his chin and pointing at you.
“Yeah, yeah, fuck you too,” You said, before guiding him inside you.
You didn't give him time to adjust being inside you, instead you immediately started bouncing on him, and letting out moans.
Henry had his eyes squeezed shut, and his lip was trapped in between his teeth in an attempt to silence his moans. His hands were balled up and gripping the bedsheets underneath him as well.
You chuckled at him and stopped bouncing to grind your hips against his.
“If you would have waited until tomorrow morning, I would have willingly rode you,” You growled out, the pleasure from riding him quickly growing in your lower belly. “But, no, you had to be a stubborn little shit and piss me off.”
Henry locked eyes with you, pleading you to let him touch you. 
“I said no.” You grunted, riding him even faster. You could feel your clit catching on his hip every once in a while, and it was slowly bringing you to the edge.
By the look on Henry’s face, he was close too, but you didn't care about his pleasure. He had been selfish, now it was your turn.
You bounced on him as fast as you could, your head thrown back, and your hands gripping your husbands large pecs.
“Fuck, even when I’m mad at you, you still make me feel so fucking good,” You cried out. You were teetering on the edge, so you reached your hand in between your legs and rubbed your clit quickly, which threw you over the edge.
You came on Henry, crying and rocking, the waves of pleasure that crashed down on you seemly never-ending. 
You felt him tense up just as you were coming down from your high, and immediately moved off of him. He stared at you in confusion as you grabbed your panties off the ground and slipping them on, before grabbing your phone and walking towards the door.
You turned back to look at him. “I’m still very mad at you, so I’m sleeping in the guest room. If you touch yourself, I will not sleep with you until you’ve finished filming.” You said, before walking out the door, letting it slam shut behind you.
Henry sighed in desperation, but let you go. He’d make it up to you tomorrow, but he was too tired to do anything tonight, even finish himself off.
He rolled on his side carefully, and cuddled your pillow into his chest. He drifted off to the thought of you, wishing you were sleeping next to him.
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survivor-kuwait · 6 years ago
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Episode 4 - “I'm tryna figure out this vote like magnifying glass emoji." - Matt S
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So naturally I’m panicking because I’m so sure I’m going to warzone, and the last thing I wanna do is be the swap vote out. I’m enjoying the Ma’an Tribe and just being able to talk to people, especially Kait and Owen. So far I only have individual conversations but maybe tribal will actually allow me to make alliances. I hate saying that cause I would never ask to go to tribal unless I really had to.
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Challenge update. I think i have decent scores. Will they keep me from the bottom 5? Who knows but im trying my best. Im trying hard in the first game because i think thats the lowest score. Also FUCK multitask. That is very hard. I just want to be safe this round and figure shit out with Nehe, Stephen, and Trace. I have a little rant about Nehe coming up soon. đŸ€­ Oo I wanted to scream to Renee not to say anything till the votes were read. I knew she was gunna say something when it was a 3-3 tie and she unmuted. It was a big MOOD tho. I just hope she is able to stay safe. I do trust her a lot.
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So we recently switched and I still don't know who is on my tribe lol. I am still with Kait which is great! I am with Owen, Stevie and Madison who I spoke to briefly, Matt who I just met, Chloe who I have always wanted to meet, and some new faces such as Timmy, Renee, and Jacob. I always love a tribe with a bit of everything.
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Hello diary room how are you? I am making money moves. Connecting to my “tribe” members. Even Trace. The only bitch i don’t care to be friends w is Maynor bc he stinks of Renee’s brainwash. As we all know, Renee hates me and wants me out etc etc. I am doing what I can to protect myself if I end up going to tribal. All i can hope for is that, if renee is at tribal, maynor isn’t as I would have 4 who would have my back from my tribe. That’s 5 votes. If I can get Matt or Madison or someone else on the other tribe to come with, it’s Au Revoir RenĂ©. I don’t think I’ll be immune as I only had about 3 hours to work on these 5 flashgames but who knows. I trust Adrian. I hate to say that but I do! I quite like Ian and want to trust him but it’ll take time. I believe Devon has my best interest at heart. Okay that’s all for today x
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Just played Axon and I hate this game soooooo much. I play Minecraft all day and spam click all the time but this game is gonna give me carpal tunnel I sware. My arm hurts so much. I guess it’s time to go to multitask
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I have been trying to beat my scores in these flash games and i cant. I dont think they are good enough to keep me from the bottom 5. I’m really nervous to be in warzone with people i havent worked with before. Jshdiw i hope i couls find that idol tonight. Ill feel better if I have it in my hands. Nehe rant. So like he said he was down to work with me and have my back. And once again for some reason has happened again. He lied to me about voting for doodle (also willing to do Stevie) because he voted for Renee, my partner! His reasoning was cuz he told me that he was told thats were the majority was so even tho he told me he trust mr, he didnt believe me when insaid that it was going to be doodle when it switched. He still wantsbto work with me so thats good and i have leverage i culd use because he told me he wanted trace gone so i could throw him under the bus if i feel like i cant trust him. Idk if i should be upset about this cuz ppl liebin survivor but in this twist trust is way more important now than in a regular season.
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Immunity or tribal it doesn't matter the game presses on. The benefit of immunity is to just build relationships with people without the risk of going home or burning my idol(side note fuck all you bitches when you inevitably turn against me an make me burn my favorite piece of jewelry). Corey has really grown on me, talk game of thrones with me and I'm alliance putty in your hands! I was happy to see Maynor again, I feel there is something there that can be fostered,  Cullan is a bit of an ignima to me still. I'll crack him though one way or another. Trace and I have begun chatting so I'm still up in the air on him and really most my tribe and people in this game. I honestly expected to be on the low end of scores for this challenge but I wasn't? Idk, double elimination means retrograde and please, please don't let it be Chloe vs Willow, I want them both to stick around and be valuable allies. If they can't keep the votes off them then as Walder Frey once said, " I'll find another."
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This warzone where 2 people are leaving is just not cute. I was not happy when I saw that. I knew I was going to be here because I did each of the flash games like once or twice and called it a day so I knew I was going to be here and I accepted that. When I saw who else was there I thought "okay, I think I can probably find people to vote with and stay safe this time around" and then BAM it's a double elimination with the vote and it totally changes the strategy of the vote. Could be more difficult to navigate. All I know is that I need to step up my social game because I haven't chatted much with people and I need to start building relationships so if I end up here again I have people that have my back. I am just struggling with the idea of working with Nehe. Longevity I don't think I want to do. Short term, sure. But I don't think I want to deal with that for the whole game. Been there, done that and I am over it. I was talking to Adrian last night and my god that was an infuriating conversation. Adrian had no idea how the warzone was operating because he hadn't been there and I just wanted to say "sis, read an effing post you lazy ass and it will make sense" It's not that hard to understand, it is just different from normal. I just hate when people don't know things because they don't want to read a post. Going back to this double elimination tribal; it is really hard to choose two targets. Being on tribes that don't seem to matter because we get scored individually makes it almost a moot point to target people for poor challenge strength because it is a pretty individual game. I guess that would be incentive to get out strong challenge performers but all of those people won so again, not a good strategy. Also everyone has just encountered different people and no one is being put together with the same people as someone else so there are a bunch of different dynamics between players, more varied than normal because we aren't forced to interact with the same people for an extended period of time. These votes have just been a lot more nerve wracking than votes normally are and making it out alive feels like more of a feat than normal. I'd say I like the extra challenge to step up the strategy because it's different, but I honestly don't. I don't need this extra anxiety about votes, no thank you. I just hope I survive this!
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New tribes yay... I miss maynor and it’s overwhelming to actually be forced to talk to more than one person lmao. But other than that it’s good and I’m safe and immune and so far everyone here seems cool... even if I can’t trust anyone because of those 3 votes I got last tribal!!!! Doodle and Stephen and maybe nehe better watch OUT
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Now that the game has finally sped up a little bit, I'm excited because I feel like I can actually play the game more. I am also ECSTATIC that I am not at this double tribal thing, because that sounds stressful and I know that avoiding it completely was the best case scenario for my game right now. I really really like Corey. Him and I have hit it off and I can see us working together really well deep into the game. I'm glad that he is safe this round too because he is probably the person I am closest to on this tribe of people I am kind of afraid of. Ian came to me and started talking as well, but something just doesn't sit well with me about him. He blew everyone out of the water in the challenge, so that will have to be something I need to think about down the line when I decide who I want to vote out. Nehemiah talked to me a lot before he went into the war zone, trying to apologize to me about voting Renee. He made it seem like I was withholding information from him which could not be further from the truth. Classic erratic Nehe again making shit up and trying to pin it on me. I want his ass out and I want it out soon. I feel like I finally have some footing in this game. Timmy and I are tight, Corey and I are tight, and I made good relationships with Renee, Madison, and Owen in the last war zone. Hopefully if I do end up going to the war zone again I'll be able to have at least a few people to work with, because right now I don't feel very comfortable on my tribe if this game were normal and we voted each other out.
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I am feeling FUCKEN PAN-tastic!! I was working last night so just read the post quickly and it said I was in the Warzone. I felt really sad and nervous but there was an error and I was actually immune. I was so happy that work didnt suck. It was a double too so Im super duper happy that I didnt end up going to tribal. I need to talk more to Ian because Me and him are talking most than others. Im also talking to Trace since he is Timmy’s partner and I want to work with him. Ive been talking to Corey for a bit. I need to make stronger connections while im safe so I can rely on them to want to work with me in the future warzones.
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I am so happy to be safe this round! I'm kind of just glossing over the tribe swap because it's barely like we're on tribes since we're competing against them. Just hoping it's 2 from the other tribe gone so that way we still have 5 people to be safe. But also it'll probably be 1 and 1. Either way someone is coming back because retrograde is activated every round 2 people leave so that's going to be interesting. Them and Nehe can start a club...unless it's Nehe again lol. Honestly let it be Nehe again because it means he won't win in the end. Like who would vote for the person who was voted out twice, once has happened, but twice, idk if people would respect that. It would be he hasn't been playing a good game since it was easy to take him out. I'm just excited that I don't have to attend tribal and I can talk to people without the stress of making plans. Matt and I have been talking and he's pretty cool. He is definitely someone I can see myself working with since he's easy to talk to so far.
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Well this twist is proving chaotic as it was intended. It appears we have a split but who the hell onows with this round. I do feel a little vulnerable with short repossess from some. I mean anyone could go home tonight.
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i will write something longer when I'm home but I'm shook???? that I won the flash game thing. Matt is my fave and I hope my boring Scorpio person goes home thx
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Do I trust that these people are gonna give me the correct information when its only 15 minutes before tribal? Not for a fucking MOMENT! But I haven't heard my name and people are like swimming between 2 names and I love both of them equally. Like this is sooooo hard. No me gusta.
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I got meself an alliance AND I somehow still haven’t gone to tribal... why am I more stressed now than I was before??? I think the fact that the game is becoming super real is what’s making me really nervous, and as much as having a solid 3 with Owen and Kait makes me extremely happy, considering I trust them more than I’ve trusted an alliance in most games, there’s still so much game left to be played, and I remember in Solomon getting swapped away from my allies and it screwing me over.... I’m shaky!
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Oop. Tribal is going to be soon. I wonder who the two that will be going. I just hope it isnt someone Ive been talking to. 2 people will be leaving so i think its going to trigger retrograde and one will be back.This warzone is really messing up strategy in this game.
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I missed two round confessionals which suck but to quickly basically sum what y’all missed. I formed the voters pact that plan was throw challenges to get to the warzone but that in it self failed cause they didn’t all throw and then doodle was voted off the next round. I also kinda got lied to about the vote so like boo. This round  in the warzone I kinda like this batch and it’s now how do we navigate the double vote out thing. I have a personal vendetta with Adrian cause I don’t trust him and Chloe is basically a non factor . So the plan since last night was always to go for those two it was just how do we go about it. I decided to make a group of 5 because it made it easier for them to willingly “choose” who they wanted to vote. And thankfully we lead them into voting chloe and Adrian. Now it’s just navigating who votes who and if the plan stays the plan. Fucking Devon is chaotic switching shit. He tried to switch the vote to willow to succumb to Thomas but who gives a fuck what Thomas is voting. I just care about the finale vote tally. I’m afraid definitely if it’s gonna be me for the fact that I don’t want to go back to the retrogade but it can easily be me. Like personally I feel like I’m always able to get people to groove in the direction I want but then I let them mingle and shit happens. I always make sure to have a hand in with everyone sonthey don’t want to turn on me but really the people I truly trust is stevie, Devon and maybe Stephen. Stephen is weirding me out shady vibes but we’ll see.
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Immunity never tasted so good! I need Adrian to be safe. I need Madison and Jacob to be safe bc I think they’re at tribal? I would like Renee and Maynor gone but they’re both safe boo hoo. I am socializing w everyone. I love Trace, Adrian, Ian. I would like Cullan gone sooner rather than later as he is hard to socialize with but I like his partner, Willow. That being said, I think everyone likes Willow. Her leaving wouldn’t be the worst thing tonight but I do stan.
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I have no sins I’m literally just sitting !!!! Kisses!!!!! Made an alliance with Matt and Kait. But you know how this is gonna turn out....? Kait and Matt are gonna get closer and at some point she will pick HIM over ME!!!! Heksjd this CYS flashback. But for now I like them. Glad that Timmy and madison are on my tribe even tho Timmy considered voting stevie.... speaking of Stevie zzzz boy rlly almost didn’t save himself Lol. But yeah I’m happy the game has shaken up and I’m excited to see what happens at this tribal. I need to really step my social game up tho so I have numbers when I’m down in that bottom ten
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I’m tryna figure out this vote like magnifying glass emoji
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It sucked thay Willow went. Hopefully she is able to come back because I feel like i had a good connection with her. Madison and Stephen survived so that was good. Right now Im hoping that i can be part of the live challenge. So I have hit M4 N4 O4 P4 and Q4. Im hoping R4 is the last one and i get something tonight at 11:30pm. I keep forgetting to do a reminder for idol guess so it keeps going back further n further.
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so happy we voted out two girls, no offense but this warzone twist makes it impossible to backstab nehe and co. effectively. Its fine, hopefully itll be over soon and I can vote his ass out. No offense to the guy but he just very controlling.
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Willow, nothing against you, but I really wanted you gone. I hated that you made it to FTC of another ORG without anything besides an idol play and I can say I am not fulfilled. Sadly, Chloe went to and it sucks because I always wanted to play with her but sadly it was short lived, for now. Hopefully Chloe wins her way back into the game!
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Of fucking course it's Chloe and Willow in the retrograde. Bastards are voting off the people I know for sure would mess up and leak it to me if I needed to play my idol. I told Corey about how Cullan is short with me and he confirmed he is short to him as well, it must just be how Cullan is. That's fine and all but makes it hard to get a read on him. Corey and I continue to get along from my perspective, more good news, I did not fuck up while I was completely wasted last night and tell someone about my idol. I have a bad track record of getting drunk and laying all my cards on the table to people. I'm not only playing against everyone in the game but also drunk Ian, and that guy is a prick.
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I did my next hit and it sunk the ship!! It’s my first time actually finding something in these idol searches. It may not have been an idol but a vote steal is a good item to have when you just need that one more vote. Im not going to tell anyone I have it. Its going to be a secret until it is used to take a big target/threat in this game.
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so far in this game im just working on building my connections! i havent gotten a vote yet which is good but i want to try and not go to tribal as much anymore bc eventually i will become a target. i feel as though my best alliance is with madison obvi since we started together and are good friends. other than that im glad adrian stayed because she is someone i could see myself working with
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Fuck this I’m tired and my fingers hurt and ugh
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Im waiting to found the retrograde duel and hopefully willow is able to come back because I have some part of connection with her. That is all for today. Oop. Bulbasaur in detective Pikachu was the cutest!!
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I got voted out bc I had a busy 2 days and I don't think my score for retrograde is very high goodbye
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